Self-care series 3: how to talk to your mates about mental health

Part three of the HHSS self-care series. Most men don't stay silent because they don't care — they stay silent because nobody taught them the words. Here are some.

If you're the one struggling

You don't need a speech. You need one sentence and one person who'll hear it.

Try: "I've been having a rough few months and I haven't told anyone." That's enough. The rest comes out on its own once the first sentence is said.

Pick a side-by-side setting if eye contact feels like too much — a drive, a walk, the gym. It's easier to say hard things when you're not staring at someone.

If it's your mate

Checking in badly is still better than not checking in. But these help.

• Ask twice. "You alright?" gets "yeah, fine." "No, really — how are you doing?" gets the truth.
• Don't rush to fix it. Most people want to be heard, not solved.
• Say what you've noticed: "you've been quiet lately" lands better than a general question.
• Ask the direct question if you're worried someone might hurt themselves. Asking does not plant the idea — it opens the door.
• Follow up in a few days. One conversation isn't support; consistency is.

What not to say

"Man up." "Others have it worse." "Just think positive." All of it closes the door. If you don't know what to say, say that: "I don't know the right thing to say, but I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

When it's beyond a chat

You are not anyone's therapist and you don't have to be. Point them at Samaritans on 116 123, CALM on 0800 58 58 58, or texting SHOUT to 85258, and offer to sit with them while they call.

Next in the series: what to actually do on the worst days.